Le Bistro ... One Woman's Way Of Processing Loss, from A Dot In Time
by Amariyls Gacio Rassler (Marggie)
A
week after the fatal heart attack, I forced myself to scan her home to take
inventory of the work ahead of me. I stared at the wheel chair, the walker, the
lifting recliner. The heavy furniture
laden with the memories of my mother's pain. She had suffered much in her last
years of life from chronic arthritis. I picked up a salve from the floor and
took in the strong scent. I smiled. The smell that kept her Yorkie sneezing and
under the bed. That recollection brought the first tears upon my face.
I
trudged through all the rooms like a swimmer who knows he has miles to go
before reaching shore. Each wall decoration and family photo shouted who she
was and what she loved ... my mom, my encourager, my friend.
I
ended up sitting at her kitchen table. Bread crumbs still spread over the big
apple-shaped mat. Her red and white coffee mug, crowded by medicine bottles
stood cleaned and ready for use the way I left it the eve before Mother's Day.
The night she passed away. I looked down at the small microwave we had placed
on the table and stared at my reflection but I could only see the image coming
from my heart, my mom's face.
The
crying came in torrents. Forceful waterfalls of pain with groans and moans like
thunder.
"Scream
if you have to." A friend who'd
lost her husband advised this to handle grief. "Close all the windows and
shades and let it rip."
So
I did. But the pain only left for a while. And right there in her kitchen it
returned to box with me. It was winning all the rounds. How to survive this?
That unrelenting question grabbed my
sorrow like a beggar and then my lips formulated that question as a prayer.
Thoughts
arrived at different times during the next few days. The invitations bounced
around inside my head. They came when pain whispered of emptiness and gloom.
Why don't you do something? Busy your mind in other ways. You love to write.
What if you could go anywhere to write? My mind reeled with ideas back and
forth. I usually enjoyed writing in coffee houses and bistros.
I spent the next weeks cleaning my mother's
home, built for her on our property. I gave away her living room and dining
room furniture. The place seemed so hollow.
It was during that time, working with my
husband, that I asked him, "Could I use the place here for a while?"
"What
for?"
"I
think I need to write here. Make it my own. For a season."
"Yes,"
he said. He knew I had been going through a hard time.
As
the days rolled on, grief reappeared
with his boxing gloves, again and again. Each time its gloves were a bit more
worn and the hands inside them, those I call emptiness and sorrow, packed a
weaker punch. The new endeavor of creating a place of my own, a writing place,
brought sparks of life back into my soul.
Shortly
after, I strolled through one of my haunts, a favorite bookstore. I sipped my
espresso and it called out to me. A Writer's Paris, A Guided Journey For The Creative Soul. I bought the
book. It spoke of people who went to Paris to write, sometimes in cafes,
sometimes in ... a Paris bistro. Paris? Could I create a semblance of a place
like that for me to write?
The
work began. My husband painted a wall ruby red on our anniversary. My favorite
color. And piece by piece I bought the furniture. Black iron benches, park-like,
a tiered shelf in the shape of the Eiffel tower, bistro tables and then
material to make valances. I chose red and white checkered for the kitchen, to
match the tablecloth. Red with silver and black trimmings adorned the living
room and dining rooms that reminded me of skirts on can-can dancers. Different
shaped statues of chefs were bought to decorate and on a wall by one of the
doors the sign, bistro. Focusing on a
project I loved, putting my creativity to work, caused a change, the rising of
my spirits.
Now Le
Bistro is in use. I come into it and find the smiling statue by the door,
of a chef carrying grapes. I start espresso,
turn on the player to hear the sounds of
La Vie En Rose, and open up my
computer, enthused to write. Sometimes as I look around I remember the words of
my daughter when she saw how I decorated the place. "Oh, Mom, Abuela would be happy to know you're
writing here."
Each
time I finish writing and it's time to go for the day, my eyes are drawn to a picture
I bought for a special reason. It's a painting of a sparrow perched on a wild
rose bush, gazing at an empty cage. I find joy as it reminds me that my mother
is free of pain and that I'm well on the road to the same.
Note:
Our little Bistro has also hosted good writing / craft books discussions with writings friends that have blessed me beyond belief. I'm thankful for the healing I have experienced and I'm experiencing through friends of kindred spirits. And now ... off to WRITE!